Middle Aged Man Drives, Gets Cut Off, Then Drives Angry

"PatBateman" (PatBateman)
06/24/2018 at 20:10 • Filed to: Road Rage, dumbasses, Takeout

Wife tried calling in an order for Japanese takeout, but they couldn’t hear us on the phone. Being the nice guy hubby that I try to be, I decided to drive down, place the order in person , and wait. That was my first mistake.

My second mistake was taking my wife’s Expedition. Her big, white, 2011 nice-ass Expedition. I don’t know why, I just took that instead of my CTS. Apparently, this vehicle screams “please fuck with me on the road”.

Third mistake was not putting the little red VW Golf R into the motherfucking over the curb and into the brick wall beside the road as he suddenly tried to blow my doors off with a VERY close pass (as in, his wheels were hugging the middle line, and he decided that me going the speed limit through a neighborhood was lame) , because the son of a bitch decided to cut me off to such a degree that I had to slam on my brakes when he simultaneously changed lanes and came to a complete stop in front of me. I was turning left at the intersection we came to rest at, and he stayed just far enough back from the next car to keep me from getting through the light. I had to wait another cycle before I could turn. Yes, I gave him the finger.

THEN, I HAD TWO ASSHOLES DRIVING 10-15 MPH UNDER SPEED LIMIT AND NOT ACCELERATING, RIGHT UP UNTIL I TRIED TO PASS THEM. Then, they decided they were F1 drivers and slammed the skinny pedal to the floor. Should’ve bumped them, too.

So I’m waiting for my to-go order, trying to vent and calm down before I go all Mad Max on some poor bastard who has the misfortune of accidentally changing into my lane within two car lengths of me.

Also, I need to get the Expedition a front end replacement brush guard. Not for wrecking cars fuck with me on the road, but for... like, other stuff I’ll think of later.

Here’s a pretentious ass Lambo that I saw yesterday for your time.

DISCUSSION (21)

Maxima Speed > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 20:18

Oof, somebody's a little hot. Also, cool lambo bro.

Longtime Lurker > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 20:22

“ for... like, other stuff I’ll think of later.” - Sure sure other stuff. Haha.

DipodomysDeserti > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 20:24

PatBateman cooling off while waiting for his sushi:

Kinja'd!!!

PatBateman > Maxima Speed
06/24/2018 at 20:26

The Lambo has a super douchey license plate, like “XTREME” or something. And I’m getting hotter by the minute, as my to-go order has been taking now 45 minutes, and still no sign of the order.

jkm7680 > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 20:28

You should have ordered “kuso maki” while you were there.

PatBateman > DipodomysDeserti
06/24/2018 at 20:30

Had a cigar yesterday, won’t have another one today. I might cover myself in the blood of my enemies, though!

wafflesnfalafel > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 20:31

T hat was me last Thursday... the phrase, “you have got to be F’ing kidding me” was uttered several dozen times, closely followed by “F’ing pay attention to what the F you are doing, you F’ing moron.”. I have a Starbux I sometimes stop at halfway through my commute if I need some cooling off...

Maxima Speed > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 20:37

After you finish supper go out for a drive in the country to smooth your mind. Or a hot bath and mutual massage with your partner

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 20:41

I drive over 1000 miles a week for work, and I’m about over the edge of fuck it with other drivers, especially left laners. A coworker and I averaged out that we’ve had about 5 days of our life taken from us by left laners causing traffic backups(it’s that bad here, that is in no way an exaggeration ). I have started riding the middle line when I over take, hand on horn, bird in the air, while passing left laners. People have died because of these selfish fuckface pieces of human shit wanting to hold on to their own precious left lane while they snapchat dog face selfies to someone else blocking the left lane. I’m about to start keeping spoiled milk on hand to smash into windshields, so it rolls down in to the ac intakes.

PatBateman > jkm7680
06/24/2018 at 21:15

I’ll bite. What’s that?

jkm7680 > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 21:16

That translates into “shit roll.”

PatBateman > Maxima Speed
06/24/2018 at 21:17

The plan is to get the kids to bed, watch Westworld, and then hit the rack. I have a 4:15 wake up call.

PatBateman > jkm7680
06/24/2018 at 21:19

I got shit service, so I’m pretty sure a shit roll would have been easy to make for them.

I have another burner, try to guess it! > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 21:35

This is why the idea of getting a motorcycle completely left me when I was living in Houston. I 110% would’ve gotten fucked up or killed in a wreck.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 21:50

I swear sometimes it seems like everyone is gunning for you. I nearly got hit from someone who didn’t stop at a stop sign then they were pissed that I was in front of them and no already going 30 mph.

fhrblig > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 22:08

Now try driving a big ol’ cargo van. The larger your vehicle is, the more people want to be dicks to you in traffic. I try to let it go, but sometimes I pray for them to get crabs.

Maxima Speed > PatBateman
06/24/2018 at 22:12

sounds like a plan. 4:15 is gonna be rough.

PatBateman > I have another burner, try to guess it!
06/25/2018 at 14:24

I don’t see a lot of motorcycles around here at all, but I’d say maybe 25% of the ones I do see are being driven quite poorly. I’m surprised there aren’t more accidents.

PatBateman > Highlander-Datsuns are Forever
06/25/2018 at 14:26

The intersection that I use to leave my ‘hood is just a four way stop sign, cross street has 4 lanes. Stop sign runners are frequent, audacious, and uncaring.

PatBateman > fhrblig
06/25/2018 at 14:26

Crabs? That’s it? You’re nicer than I am.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > PatBateman
07/12/2018 at 10:49

My ‘97 GMC Safari* is in almost every case much less nice than other drivers who are being dicks. Generally, they like their little compensators much more than my middle-aged hulk of a vehicle, and when push comes to shove, like merging in traffic when they’re being a dick, they’ll surrender the game of chicken.

Was the dinner okay?

*My Safari I also maintain vigorously, so it drives like an underpowered dream. It just looks crappy because the paint and other nonessential bits are falling off.